That 7 letter word that describes the irregular current of thoughts in our minds followed by equally irregular flows of emotions.
One minute, you’re all right; you’re constant. And the next, you feel so small, that the world is set to crush you. Everything looks bigger. Everyone seems taller. Your heart is bursting with fear. It feels like the air is on sale, and suddenly there isn’t enough for everyone. So you inhale and forget how to exhale. Yet, your lungs are suffocating. You can feel the imaginary sharp edges of your blood cells crashing into your veins. And only one question is left in that restless mind of yours; what happened?
On a normal day, you’re cute anxious. You talk fast and you think faster. You’re mostly waiting- – Waiting for the next time you’ll break. Avoiding all sorts of triggers that can – and will – remind you of past events. Avoiding people. Avoiding smells. Avoiding places. And most importantly, avoiding yourself. But how can you avoid yourself? How can you avoid yourself when it’s constantly screaming thoughts and theories into your own head? You look for a moment of clearance. You see the switch in the back of your head. Press it and all of this will be gone. Quiet, says the label under the switch. Yet, you can’t, or in other words, you won’t. You just fucking won’t. It’s all well too familiar to let it go. There’s comfort in your panic. You try not to get too used to it, though. You’ll change, or maybe it’ll get better. So, you leave one foot in there and you give away the other foot for the hope of something… different.
Every day is a battle. Every day is exhausting. You look at others and, yeah, you all look alike. But deep down you know, you’ve got extra shades of color on you.
I have Anxiety. But I’m not my Anxiety.
I’m the risk of opening my eyes and the willingness to put my feet on the ground every single morning. I’m the courage to move on after my “fast mind” drove him away. I’m the openness for conversations. I’m the best hug you will ever get. I’m the brightest smile. I’m the determination to snap back. I’m the believer that there’s more to everything and everyone. I’m the hope for the best, whatever that means. I’m the fight against my own mind. I am what I believe I am.
My Anxiety got everything on me, but nothing within me.